my crime is right

How could i pretend that i've never met you?

2009-08-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

My life is messed up and i don't know how to move on.

I've hurt him so many times until he can't take it anymore, he said that.

i couldn't get that out of my mind...

The scene kept repeating in my mind...when he pressed his lips on hers..

It was like being stabbed in the back. Its hurt so much..

He could have been mine, but i rejected it. Now, he wants to move on.

I guess we should, but how could u ask me to forget you??

i can't. I CAN'T!

I kept thinking about it until i cired twice today.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everytime i hurt u.

"We'll be like normal strangers, if we see each other on roads, we'll look away."

Right. We'll be normal strangers.

2009-08-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

Hiya! It's been a very long time since i blogged...So,I'll just type in the Highlights of the past few weeks.

Let's see...Um..Oh, the maths act! Actually, there's nth much to talk abt, but fathin says ms tan is cute, ms tan called her 'weirdo' then i added in 'freako' behind that, like 'Marco' and 'polo'. OK...that was lame.

Then i we went to the AVA room alot of times this week! And i just love it! Then in Geo every Wednesday, we are gonna go there!!!Yahhh 1e3!hehex...

Then i dunno why i keep fighting wit fathin...I dunno, i just wanna stop does stupid fights. I feel so fucked up to have to take the crap that people gives me. DO I HAVE A "PLEASE BULLY ME" SIGN ON MY HEAD???? Well too bad! The next person who hit me or take my stuff or even say shitty things to my face, are so freaking dead, and i meant it!!! NO you cannot BULLY ME!

OK...then there is softball. Man! Every time i go to training i get a new bruise or injury!Then Fathin never come so many times, But its OK. Anyways, if you don't go for training for a long long time, you'll get aches the next time you go. BTW, the last training was torture!!! Coach Marcus keeps rolling balls in diff. direction then i have to run in top speed to pick up the ball and then toss it back. NON-STOP!!! For 50-60 times! When i finish i just drop to the grass and laid down to take a breathe! Luckliy i don't have aches

2009-08-04T06:26:00.000-07:00

i don't wanna care. At all.

i want my Cai Sim back. I want someone who who care about what i say.

I want him back... Now i know how much i really love...

What the hell am i doing????

i'm sooooooooo stupid!!!!

What wrong with me? i'm stupid enough to throw away someone that actually care about me!

That's it. I don't care anymore.

I need him. N' i'm not gonna loose someone i love so easily.

i'm gonna call him out.

2009-08-01T22:27:00.005-07:00

chicken little

2009-08-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

忍耐
i want to care, i want to help...

or maybe...i don't.

if i don't say it out, i know they won't understand.

But if i do, i know they won't care.

i don't feel sorry for anyone.

not for myself, not for my friends, not for anyone.

Because its their choice.

If they want to join a gang,

or feel sorry for themselves because their boyfriend isn't calling them back.
　
or smoke
(i hate ppl who smoke. because i know wad will happen to them in the end. No matter if you smoke once or twice, it'll just kill you in the end. My ah gong died from it, i saw how horribly sick it was. you can't breathe properly, you can't say a full sentence wiithout coughing once or twice. And thats just fucking sick. So to ALL SMOKERS out there. Try not to be so fucking stupid and kill yourself. Giving yourself excuses doesn't help. it jus means that your pathetic enough to lie to yourself. All you give is just bullshit.)

the point is that i don't care if you want to destroy your own life. Its really none of my business, you don't listen, i won't fucking care.

FOREVER&ALWAYS

2009-07-28T05:08:00.000-07:00

Remember that time u said the no matter what happens...

we'll still be best friends? Forever&always?

Were you just lying so that it wouldin't hurt me?

Cause rite now i see u stomping away from me...

Saying that u can't take it anymore...

Because i don't see anything else more than best friends...

But u want more than that, u want me to love u the same way u love me?

We tried...and we failed didn't we?

i'm sorry...i really, really am.

Forever n always...

Ha... ...

Is that really just some stupid lie? Coz i believed it...

VIOLET; CHAPTER 3

2009-07-21T07:00:00.001-07:00

3. REMEMBERING
IT WAS AUTUMN WHEN IT HAPPENED.
I stepped into the house, but no one seemed to be home, “Mom… I’m back.” I said flatly. “Mom, you there? Mom?” I called out, but there was no reply. Without hesitating, I ran up the stairs towards the master bedroom curious to know what had happened. When I opened the vintage wooden door, the room was empty. Then, I searched the room looking for anything that would give me a clue to where she was. Bingo. I found a piece of sticky note stuck on the skilfully carved antique table my dad bought for my mom last year.
It wrote:
Dear Beautiful Violet,
I love you very much, but I can’t take it anymore. Now, I know why people say life’s a bitch when you can’t have the one you love. I know it’s very selfish of me to do this but I really don’t want to go on like this. Hate me. Hate me like how you hate your father. I want you to forget about me and go on. I love you very, very much. And I really do hate myself for doing this. Forget me.
To my beautiful violet,
Love you with all my heart,
Your mother

No, no, no, no, no! No! I kept repeating in my heart. Please don’t, please don’t as I was running to the autumn forest in the backyard, her favourite hideout. No, no, no don’t die yet, not now. I kept screaming my head. But then when I saw her lying lifelessly on the ground full of fallen leaves, all was over. No!!!
“No.” I whispered.
My legs gave out. I immediately knelt to the ground. She was so beautiful; she looked as graceful as ever. Her dark brown locks curled gently over her smoothe white shoulders; she was wearing a gorgeous black satin gown with lace covering up the satin layer. Her lip was bloody red with lipstick and her long eyelashes covered her pretty hazel eyes. Her hands lay gracefully across her abdomen; the evening darkness made her fair skin looked bluish. Again, she looked so dangerously delicate. Beside her lay a bottle of pills, the ones that put her to sleep, and a thick piece of envelope…....

She’s gone…how could she ever? A harsh whisper popped into my head. She’s gone. She left me.
I kept on whispering, “No…no…no…”
I tumbled down to the ground and hugged her like I never did in years. It’s too late. She’s dead. The last thing I ever said to her was a fucking “I WISH YOU’D DIE!” I wish I could change that to a lovely “I love you” or just a simple, proper farewell.

All I could do then was to hug her by her side, I don’t ever want to let go, now that I know that she’s gone forever.
“I’m sorry mom. I…really…a-am…s-sorry.” I could barely speak nor could I breathe. I was sobbing so hard that I was gasping for air. I curled up with my hands covering my face. It was worst, because now I don’t have her to lean to. I lay there, curled up in a ball shaking so hard from the cold. I can’t even stand up. I couldn’t find the courage to leave her body behind. My mind kept replaying the scene when I said I’d rather she’d die… that menacing look in her eyes. Tears flowed down her cheeks. I actually made her cry…… what sort of daughter are you?
I laid there until I could feel again.

VIOLET; CHAPTER 2

2009-07-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

2. RUNAWAY
“VIOLET! VIOLET!” IT WAS UNCLE KEN. HIS HOARSE VOICE FILLED THE COLD silence.
I pretended I didn’t hear, sticking the earpiece into both of my ears. Some song by Linkin Park was playing but didn’t pay enough attention to identify what song it was.

“Violet! Violet! Come down. NOW!” this time it was Rose. God, I hate her.

I rolled my eyes and stomped down the stairs.

“What now?” I asked, sounding irritated.

“You’re going to be late on your first day of school. Never mind, Ken will fetch you there.”

“I don’t want to go.” I mumbled.

“What?” I didn’t reply.

“What did you say?” Her high-pitched voice made my ears hurt.

“I said, I don’t want to go!” I said, loud and clear.

“You have to.” Her voice was now firm. She gave me that piercing stare. I knew I had better things to do than to argue with her.

“Fine. But I’ll go to school myself.”

“With what?” she asked a stupid question.

“My truck.”

“Oh.”

Then, I took my bag and slowly paced to the front door with an apple in my hand.

As I drove down the streets, I thought about the new school I’m about to enter. East Border high. There will be new people to meet, to impress and I will have to fit in, won’t I? There will be more seventeen year olds, won’t there? Well, I don’t want to. I want to go back to that place where I can be alone without people bugging me. With that thought, I took a U-turn, heading for the one place I know that would help me do that. Back to the beautiful autumn forest. Back to the small town of Avonlea.

VIOLET; CHAPTER 1

2009-07-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

1. REALISATION
I WOKE UP WITH TEARS STINGING IN MY EYES.
It was just a dream…
I turned around to look at my old, dusty analogue clock. It was 5.40 in the morning.

5.45 am
I pulled myself out of my new uncomfortable bed, knowing that I wouldn’t get any more sleep, and stared out towards the dark wall facing me. There was a picture hanged on it, a picture of a perfect family; the teenage girl in the middle of the picture had a wide smile on her face showing off her pretty dimples. She was a brunette with graceful hazel eyes matched up with her light coloured skin. She had her parents side by side wrapped around her. It was like they were a shield protecting her from sadness and despair. Her mother had equally dark glossy curls with red full lips; elegance flowed through her beautiful face yet, she seemed so dangerously delicate… Their faces only portrayed happiness and nothing more. Yet, there was so much an outsider doesn’t know……

5.55 am
I stood up with wobbly, unsteady legs. Violet Coralline White you must not be weak! A shrill voice ran through my head. I immediately stood straight up, strong and steady hiding all of the remorse that was tormenting me. Then, I went to the shower, I couldn’t control it anymore, I started to think about her again…Violet, my love…she always called me that…tears poured down my cheeks blending with the water from the shower.

6.05 am
I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself. Staring right back at me was a fair skinned brunette with puffy red eyes and pale lips. Her face showed nothing, it was empty.

6.20 am
I went back my room. And lay my throbbing head on the pillows. I closed my eyes wanting to get back a few more minutes of sleep, but just as I was about to sink back into to unconsciousness, her face popped up from my head saying “I love you”. She was a liar. If she loved me she would never had left me. She didn’t cared, she just wanted to end her pain and yet, she created mine. I hate her. I hate this damp humid little town. I hate Ken and I hate Rose and, of course, I hate myself. I looked over towards that unread letter she gave me placed on the small side table beside the bed. I picked it up. On it wrote:

To my dearest daughter, Violet.
PS: before you read this letter I want you to know, I love you so. I don’t blame you if you hate me. I just want you to go on with your life with no regret. Again, I love you so, very much.

“Liar.” I mumbled and threw the letter to a dark corner of my room.

MY BOOK: VIOLET; INTRO

2009-07-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

INTRODUCTION
“VIOLET…VIOLET,” IT WAS A SOFT WHISPER OF A MILLION VOICES altogether.
“Come…Come my love, follow me.”
I don’t know why, but I followed that sweet, soft whisper……

It came from the fiery red forest just right in front of me. So I slowly paced into it. All I saw was the colours red, orange and yellow…

“Violet, here love.” It whispered again.

This time I’ve completely lost it, I sheepishly followed the trail of that sweet, familiar scent. The closer I got, the clearer I could hear. Now, the whispers became the lovely sounds of children’s giggles. That sound…it was terribly familiar. I’ve heard it before…

When I reached, I saw someone… there she was, her tall, slender body with dark glossy brown curls. She had her back facing me but didn’t need to see her face to know who she was. I knew her. Yet, I walked towards her with uncertainty fearing that she would disappear. When that uncertainty started to wear off, I ran towards her with pure joy running through my veins thinking: She’s back!

Just when everything was perfect. When I almost called out her name, just when she was about to turn around, the darkness covered everything up. One second everything in place, the next, everything that was once there went dead. Regret and remorse filled my heart; stinging tears instantly flowed down my cheeks. I knelt down and started to sob. I was shaking so hard that my shoulders hurt. But in that instant, it didn’t matter anymore. That woman IS gone and I know that she’s gone forever. That woman is my mom.

2009-07-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

look in th camera n smile!

no use hiding...i still post. hehex

happy ziqah:)

this is what they call 'retro'

hor! use phone! lol:)

MOMMENTUMN

2009-07-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

WHEN THE WORLD IS DOWN ON THE GROUND

2009-07-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

i saw someone on the streets yesterday...

he jus laid there on the ground, all alone.

Freezing there

in the cold lonely streets

somethimes i wonder y...

LIFE GOES ON

2009-07-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

wad do you do when every thing you ever wanted was gone?

wad do you do when your crying so hard for it, your body ache?

nothing. absolutely nothing.

there is nothing you CAN do.

the only thing you can do for yourself is to move on.

life goes on.

FREAKED OUT

2009-07-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

have u ever want to cry but you just can't find the guts to do it?

i have, a hell lot of times.

N' i fuckin' hate it.

i hate it, but i can't get the feeling off of my chest!

why???!!!

i hate this freakin' feeling!

that feeling made it hard to breathe.

hard for me to even move... ...

i'm officially freaked out.